The Unusual Suspects: Green Lantern’s Plight!
By Ryan Stevens
Oh, comic books. You’re such a rich and engrossing medium, full of diverse and interesting characters, some much more interesting, and some much more diverse than others. Here in The Unusual Suspects, we’re going to discuss a few who primarily fall in the latter category. Today, we’ll be shining the spotlight on 3 of the strangest characters to sling the rings of the famed “Green Lantern Corps.” That’s right, we’ll be examining some of the strangest, silliest, and possibly lamest cosmic beings to ever don a power ring. It wasn’t easy, but we at the T.U.S. labs were able to narrow down the 3 most unusual specimens for dissection. Sorry, Tomar-Re, better luck next time!
1. Ch’p
Let’s start things off with the 800-pound gorilla in the room: a small space-squirrel name Ch’p. I knew full well, when planning to do a T.U.S. dedicated to Green Lanterns, that I would have to mention Ch’p. That just goes without saying. Which is why I’m typing this.
Ch’p was a native of the planet H’Iven, and entered the battlefield when the Crabster army invaded, led by the evil Doctor Ub’X. He was captured, a prisoner of war, and was sentenced to death, before receiving the power ring of a green lantern who died in the conflict. Using his newfound power, Ch’p overthrew Ub’X, and freed H’Iven. Later, Ch’p traveled to the Green Lanterns HQ on the planet Oa, and met and befriended other Green Lanterns including Hal Jordan, Kilowog, and Salaak. Ch’p would go on to protect H’Iven from many threats, most of which where the machinations of his nemesis, Dr. Ub’X. Tragically, Ch’p was killed when, while patrolling the Mosaic World……he was run over by a yellow tractor trailer.
Now, there are more than a few things odd about Ch’p. For one, he is a squirrel. Secondly, he is a space squirrel. How is there an entire RACE of SQUIRRELS living in outer space? I was positive squirrels were confined to planet earth. How did the squirrels get their own planet? Did some squirrels sneak aboard a top-secret classified Soviet rocket and get blasted there on accident. Regardless of how THAT happened, another question is, how could a SQUIRREL (even a space squirrel) get a green lantern ring. I would’ve figured the ring would have honed in on a more…intimidating being to bestow its power to. But then again, Guy Gardner got one, so maybe Ch’p‘s squirrelly willpower was enough to net himself a ring. All this is actually moot, since he was killed by a tractor trailer (yeah, there’s a heroic send-off for you).
2. Green Man
Next up, we have the winner for “Least Creative Name…ever”. Green Man is, obviously, a green man (where DO they come up with these kooky names?) who wields the power ring of the green lanterns. Also, his unique alien physiology allots him poisonous blood, which helps a bit when in a pinch. There have actually been two “Green Men”, neither of which have ever bothered to get a cooler name.
Green Man (who narrowly beat out Radioactive Man for the award of “Least Creative Name”) is the green lantern patrolling space sector 2828, and comes from Uxor, a world where individuality is extreme taboo. Green Man was a rebel against the “All are One” agenda, and when the Guardians of the Universe offered him a power ring and the job that came with it, Green Man didn’t need to be asked twice. Later, Green Man was expelled from the Corps after a falling out with the Guardians, and so he joined the Omega Men, displaying the powers of telepathy during his time on the team. While a member of the Omega Men, Green Man was killed by the Durlans during the Invasion! miniseries.
A second Uxorian bearing the name of Green Man later appeared in the miniseries Green Lantern Corps: Recharged. This lantern patrolled sector 3009, and was partnered with the robot Stel. Following the bloodbath during the Sinestro Corps War, the Guardians created a new level of Green Lantern: The Alpha Lanterns, who have no emotions, and live off the power battery in their chests, so they need no food, water, or sleep. Green Man was chosen to be “promoted”, and became an emotionless robo-lantern, adding further weirdness to an already super-weird character.
3. Gnort
To wrap our assessment of the Green Lantern Corps’ black sheep, we’ll be looking at possibly the least effective Lantern ever: Gnort, the dog-lantern. Created by Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatties during their comedic run on Justice League, Gnort acquired his power ring when a race of clowns called Poglachians, who impersonated the Guardians of The Universe and gave Gnort a power ring because they thought it would be funny to watch what he did with it. Gnort, who is too stupid to read a map, came to be a known annoyance to the heroes on the DC Universe, meaning well, but being completely ineffectual.
Gnort was later a founding member of the Justice League of Antarctica’s roster, along with the Scarlet Skier, who is equally as stupid as Gnort, and the only felon Gnort has ever defeated. They were placed on this team, along with the former Injustice League, by Maxwell Lord, so they would be out of his way. The JSAntarctica wasn’t completely useless, as they were actually able to win the day when their base was overrun with killer penguins.
Gnort was later actually instrumental in saving Guy Gardner from the Qwardians, much to Gardner’s dismay, since he had to call in to Oa and admit Gnort was an actual hero. After that, Gnort managed to foil a bank robbery perpetrated by cats, and was also the sole survivor of his race’s destruction in the Rann-Thanagar War. As of now, Gnort is presumed dead by the Green Lantern Corps’ secret files. One simply has to wonder what did him in. Space-ringworm, perhaps?
I’m Ryan Stevens, and these……are The Unusual Suspects!
